The zoo

Today we went to the zoo with Aunt Sarah.  It happened to be scout day so there were some interesting things going on, plaster molding of tracks and such.  A little big for the kids but they liked it. The kids had a great time and I did too though I remained sad.  Luckily it was a rainy day so there were not a lot of other people there.   The kids got to see the elephants take a bath (sponge bath) and that was kind of neat.

We got to grandma and grandpa's house and played board games.  At one point everyone left the room and I  just started to cry.  Aunt Sarah came in to comfort me and got me to calm down.  I need to go back to work and yet I worry that even with the Lorazipam and Zoloft that I am not ready.  I know it is the next step but am I ready to take it?  My heart still feels like it is going to break though I'm not crying as much as I was.  I still have trouble looking in the mirror and seeing my skinny body - I still so badly want to be pregnant with my twins.

Tomorrow is the race.  I am a little worried about it in that I know there will be lots of people but it will be early and cold so maybe not so many children or babies. 

Running

Running seems to be getting easier in that I didn't feel the need to cry today and harder in that I just didn't want to do it.  It's a good thing I have dad wanting to run or I don't think I would be doing anything despite what the doctor said.  And then there is the race on Saturday with all kinds of people which I have been avoiding for the last 3 weeks (has it been that long already?)  It seems like just yesterday I was happily (okay lethargically) pregnant.

After I got home I curled up in bed with the babies urns and cried a little and tried to sleep.  J came in so I put the babies back where they belong and cuddled with him.  Still unable to sleep.

Easter

Today was Easter and I guess it was a good one.  I followed the kids around as they hunted for eggs then daddy cooked breakfast.  For some reason Evelyn didn't want to make the monkey bread.  after breakfast I played with the kids and cleaned up a little.  Jason took a deserved nap.  At the end of it I was getting frustrated and took one of my meds then Jason woke up.  I put the laundry away and lied down and cried until I fell asleep.

Once I got up I helped finish up lunch by bringing them meat and cheese. then grandpa was here to take us all to the park.  The kids went crazy at the park and had a great time though I miss chasing them around like a loonatic I just didn't have it in me.

Next we went to grandma's and grandpa's to find nickles which was interesting and ended in hot/cold then Grandma just pointing out the hidden nickles for the last two. Perhaps William is a bit young yet.

We had a good time outside then watched two dora's.  Once daddy was there it was outside time again followed quickly by dinner.  I had a glass of wine which may have been a mistake.  I cleared the dishes and as mom cleaned up the kitchen I sat on the back porch listening to William and Evelyn laugh which brought me to tears,  Will I always wonder what the sound of Christopher and Michale's laugh would have sounded like.  or what kind of temperament they would have?

Jason was in a hurry to leave when he discovered me crying but the kids were having a ton of fun.  So I cleaned up a little and played with them.  It helped a little.  Now I've taken more medication which will take the feeling away. I'm not sure it is for the best but it is what it is.  I need to get back to work which will be a mess in and of it's self.

A fun change

I had fun today.  I didn't run like I was going to but after a nap I played sorry with Evelyn and grandma.  It was fun I didn't think about my sadness or what I was missing I just focused on Evelyn and had a good time.

I also called Val to say thank you for coming to the hospital.  He called back and we talked a little and I thought that we could have him over for dinner. To thank him I also want to make him the lords prayer cross stitch.