The zoo

Today we went to the zoo with Aunt Sarah.  It happened to be scout day so there were some interesting things going on, plaster molding of tracks and such.  A little big for the kids but they liked it. The kids had a great time and I did too though I remained sad.  Luckily it was a rainy day so there were not a lot of other people there.   The kids got to see the elephants take a bath (sponge bath) and that was kind of neat.

We got to grandma and grandpa's house and played board games.  At one point everyone left the room and I  just started to cry.  Aunt Sarah came in to comfort me and got me to calm down.  I need to go back to work and yet I worry that even with the Lorazipam and Zoloft that I am not ready.  I know it is the next step but am I ready to take it?  My heart still feels like it is going to break though I'm not crying as much as I was.  I still have trouble looking in the mirror and seeing my skinny body - I still so badly want to be pregnant with my twins.

Tomorrow is the race.  I am a little worried about it in that I know there will be lots of people but it will be early and cold so maybe not so many children or babies. 

Running

Running seems to be getting easier in that I didn't feel the need to cry today and harder in that I just didn't want to do it.  It's a good thing I have dad wanting to run or I don't think I would be doing anything despite what the doctor said.  And then there is the race on Saturday with all kinds of people which I have been avoiding for the last 3 weeks (has it been that long already?)  It seems like just yesterday I was happily (okay lethargically) pregnant.

After I got home I curled up in bed with the babies urns and cried a little and tried to sleep.  J came in so I put the babies back where they belong and cuddled with him.  Still unable to sleep.

Easter

Today was Easter and I guess it was a good one.  I followed the kids around as they hunted for eggs then daddy cooked breakfast.  For some reason Evelyn didn't want to make the monkey bread.  after breakfast I played with the kids and cleaned up a little.  Jason took a deserved nap.  At the end of it I was getting frustrated and took one of my meds then Jason woke up.  I put the laundry away and lied down and cried until I fell asleep.

Once I got up I helped finish up lunch by bringing them meat and cheese. then grandpa was here to take us all to the park.  The kids went crazy at the park and had a great time though I miss chasing them around like a loonatic I just didn't have it in me.

Next we went to grandma's and grandpa's to find nickles which was interesting and ended in hot/cold then Grandma just pointing out the hidden nickles for the last two. Perhaps William is a bit young yet.

We had a good time outside then watched two dora's.  Once daddy was there it was outside time again followed quickly by dinner.  I had a glass of wine which may have been a mistake.  I cleared the dishes and as mom cleaned up the kitchen I sat on the back porch listening to William and Evelyn laugh which brought me to tears,  Will I always wonder what the sound of Christopher and Michale's laugh would have sounded like.  or what kind of temperament they would have?

Jason was in a hurry to leave when he discovered me crying but the kids were having a ton of fun.  So I cleaned up a little and played with them.  It helped a little.  Now I've taken more medication which will take the feeling away. I'm not sure it is for the best but it is what it is.  I need to get back to work which will be a mess in and of it's self.

A fun change

I had fun today.  I didn't run like I was going to but after a nap I played sorry with Evelyn and grandma.  It was fun I didn't think about my sadness or what I was missing I just focused on Evelyn and had a good time.

I also called Val to say thank you for coming to the hospital.  He called back and we talked a little and I thought that we could have him over for dinner. To thank him I also want to make him the lords prayer cross stitch. 

The day started out great then went to hell.

I was (mostly on time for work). Then when I got there my boss had made homemade cheese cake brownies from scratch. I was getting work done though maybe not what I really wanted to work on,  I was starting to get ready for maternity leave and even let the contact on my project know that I was pregnant,

At 1:00 I had a belly check and was excited to go in and hear the heartbeats.  But once I was taken into the room the first nurse or midwife could not find the heart beats.  Oddly enough I still wasn't worried at that point. She ran out and got one of the other midwifes and she couldn't find them either I was a little worried but everyone seemed so calm - probably not to freak me out, though Jason should have been called at this point. I still figured the babies were small and maybe they were just having trouble finding them.  They got me into the ultrasound immediately and the second I saw baby B (the first baby we saw-I knew).  I could see the still body with no beating heart.   Then I looked at found baby A and there was no heartbeat there either.  I wanted to tell them their machine was broken and we needed to try another.  I told them it can't be right and I just balled. They called Jason and it took him forever to get there (apparently he got lost on his way). The doctor tried to ask me about getting them out but I couldn't listen and couldn't talk.

Jason came in (they didn't warn him) so I told him I lost the babies I don't know how long we stayed there crying but at some point Jason called my dad and he came over so that he could take care of E and W.  He also called mom and she came back from DC.  Eventually we left with instructions to call the hospital at 7pm for me to be induced so that I could still have a vaginal delivery.

We picked up the kids from school and she knew something was up as both Jason and I were there to get her.  She kept asking what was up and we just told her that we wanted to talk then asked her questions about her day to distract her.  We got William (I made Jason go in because I couldn't) He came out grumpy from just waking up from nap we went strait home and told them the babies had died.  William cried mostly because J and I were crying however Evelyn was pretty upset. It was a lot harder to help her as she kept repeating the same things over and over and it was hard for me not to cry, which I was doing a lot of despite trying.

After the kids had some dinner we went to Target to get some animals for the babies we got them two  little monkeys though admittedly I liked the dog better and would have gotten them if there were two.  Next stop was grandpa's house where the kids did a little better and settled in as Jason and I waited to be told to come in.

We made it to the hospital just after 8pm and checked in.  It seems like there was a lot going on as everyone was fairly busy but our nurse Julie was nice and helpful.  Though it took her two tries to get a well in me and both failed so she got someone else.  The third took and there it stayed as I didn't need any medication yet.

Week 12

This week the babies are Plums!

Baby’s almost done developing her body’s important systems and parts, which means, it’s mostly about getting bigger and more mature from here on out. The average fetus at 12 weeks is about 2.1 inches long and .49 ounces.

Total weight gain/loss: I lost one lb last week despite constant eating

Maternity clothes: Not yet but will start tomorrow.  I am definitely out of my jeans and most of my work pants.

Stretch marks: not yet

Sleep: I am having trouble just because I have to go to the bathroom so much.

Best moment this week: Letting everyone at work know that i am pregnant.  It is great to have their excitement surround me!

Movement: Not yet, but Evelyn is so excited!

Food cravings: Cookie cake which someone brought in to the clinic.  I am trying not to be greedy.

Symptoms: Still fatigue but getting better with everything else. There is also some cramping which the doctor told me to expect since i will grow so much faster this time around and dizziness which I didn't expect.

Gender: I don't know.  But I think we will find out.

Labor Signs: Not yet it's way too early

Belly Button in or out: still in.

What I miss: Being physically active okay being any kind of active.

What I am looking forward to: the first specialist visit next week. it will be nice to have some more information and another ultrasound.

Weekly Wisdom: Too many sweets bring back the nausea.

Milestones:

Feelings: Upbeat and excited.  I am getting some baby stuff this weekend and have been offered a crib.  I can't wait until Jason gets going on the rooms!

Week 13

 For week 13 my babies are the size of peaches (about 2.9 inches!)

Total weight gain/loss: 9 lbs gained from beginning

Maternity clothes: Definitely fully in the maternity clothing now.

Stretch marks: Not that I have seen.

Sleep: Doing better just need the kids to sleep through the night.

Best moment this week: Evelyn and William giving the babies kisses.  William even told the babies that he loves them!

Movement: Not yet!

Food cravings: Brownies with walnuts and the store didn't have them :( 

Symptoms: Fatigue maybe it is time to try the vitamin B...

Gender: Jason swears they are girls.

Labor Signs: Way too early

Belly Button in or out: Still in

What I miss: Exercise and having energy

What I am looking forward to: Snuggling with my babies!

Weekly Wisdom:

Milestones: Doctors appointment next week with ultrasound!

Feelings: Excited!